P W K

Priya bachpan mein ek bahut hi seedhi-saadhi U.P. ke gaon ki chori thi. Use Duniyadaari ka D tak nahi pata tha aur itni zyaadi bholi hoti thi ki gaon waalo ko chinta hoti thi ki bade hokar uska kya hoga.

Priya kaha karti thi "Duniya ke saare ladke humre bhai hain, sirif aur sirif ek ko chodh kar, woh hain humre bauji".

Jab Priya badi hui, woh padhaai karne ke liye Amity College, Noida gayi. Wahaan jaakar use pankh lag gaye aur usne udhna shuru kar diya. Aur woh bhi itna zyaada, ki usne kehna shuru kar diya

"Meiiinnn naaaaa, saaaadi karuuungi naaaa, to sirif saaaaru khaan se karoongi...... mein naaa, saaaadi karuuungi naaaaa, to sirif reeeetik rosan se karuuuungi....... mein naaaa, saaaadi karuuuungi naaaa, to sirif ameeeer khaaan se karuuungi......."

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Lekin jodiyaan to rab banaata hai. Yaju, jiski harkatein poore Punjab, Haryana, Himachal Pradesh aur Delhi mein charchit thi, se un jagahon par ek bhi ladki nahi pati. Woh itna zyaada desperate ho gaya ki ek rangeeli shaam ko Noida aaya, Atta Market mein. Wahaan usne Priya ko paani-puri khaata hue dekha. Dekhkar Yaju ko kuch kuch hone laga. Kyunki Noida mein bahut garmi thi, paseena uske kapdo ke andar beh raha tha, use khujli ho rahi thi aur woh kar bhi nahi paa raha tha.

Yaju mein SRK ka Casanova-pan nahi tha, na usme Hrithik ka style tha, na Aamir ki personality; lekin uske paas dimaag tha. Usne apne mobile mein "Tujhe Dekha To Yeh Jaana Sanam" bajaana chalu kiya aur lip-synch karne laga. Priya ko laga ki itna achcha gaana Yaju gaa raha hai. Phir kya tha, khuda meharban to gadha pehelwan, do made-for-each-other desperate logon ka chat mangani pat vivah ho gaya.



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Vivah paschaath, ek din Priya ki poorani saheli Isha usse milne uske ghar gayi. Usne dekha ki ghar ka darwaaza nahi tha, aur saath mein likh raha tha "Darwaaza repair ke liye gaya hua hai, kyunki usme khatkhataane par awaaz nahi aati". Usne door bell bajaayi to awaaz nahi aayi, uske saath mein likh rakha tha "Save electricity".

Isha andar gayi, to kya dekhti hai, ki Yaju pet ke bal bistar par leta hua hai, aur Priya oil se uski peeth ki maalish kar rahi hai, yeh kehte hue

"Yahiiii mere saaaaaru khaaan hain..... yahiiii mere reeeetik rosan hain..... yahiiii mere ameeeeeer khaaan hain.........."

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Vivah paschaath, ek din Yaju ka ghanisht mitra Abhishek usse milne uske ghar gaya. Veh andar gaya to use Chameli ke tel ki badbu aayi. Usne apni naak band ki aur bedroom ki taraf badha. Andar koi nahi tha, aur bistar par ek kagaz ka tukda padha tha, jis par likha hua tha


"Meri mannaton ki maala, fiza-e-jannat ka ehsaas
Aakhon ki barkat, noor-e-ulfat ka nivaas
Khwabon ki parchaai, jasbon ki kranti
Woh tum thi Priya, haan tum thi"

Sitting on the seashore...

You can't expect the waves to come at you every time, you have to take the initiative of going near the sea in order to make things happen.

If you are wondering why I am saying this (yes you are wondering), I am referring to a close friend of mine who likes a girl and is planning to propose her soon.

When my friend revealed the fact that he was in love, I was shocked as well as elated.

Shocked because in school/college he was extremely shy, used to stay away from romantic stuff, never looked at a girl from that angle, and hitherto indulged in a GD on girls.
Elated because I became assured that my friend was normal, i.e. a guy who was interested in girls.

My friend has planned a date for when he will be telling his feelings to the girl, and obviously a million things would be running in his mind right now. He isn't exactly sure of what to do then, and has decided that he will tell her whatever will come to his mind at that time.

Poor chap. He has to realize that this is the 21st century, in order to cook aloo-gobhi you have to put the right blend of spices, the right amount of oil, the perfect mix of condiments, all at the right time.

Here is a list of few things that my friend can do in the wake of the most important thing happening in his life right now. Each list item consists of Action, Time Interval, and the Reason for doing it.

An action can be executed among the following Time Intervals
~|pre|~ :: Before proposal.
~|post - oh yeah :) |~ :: After proposal, if it gets accepted
~|post - oh no :( |~ :: After proposal, if it gets rejected (naturally, my friend is afraid of that)
~|bongo|- :: During proposal, this is what his state of mind will be at that moment

All set? Here we go!

Action - Sing an old song
Time Interval - ~|bongo|~
Reason - You must have heard your elders saying that the quality of music today is nothing compared to what it used to be in their times (you will also say the same after 40 years). Our generation might be enjoying the newer stuff more than the older one but won't deny that the songs of yore had a class of their own. The fact that they sound evergreen even now is a testimony to that.

On the day of their meet, my friend should sing some fantastic songs for the girl like "Aaja aaja main hoon Pyaar tera", "Chaahe koi mujhe junglee kahe", "O haseena zulfonwali", "Tarif karun kya uski", etc..

The purpose isn't to melt her heart, but to entertain her. My friend "sings" very well, and if he "dances" along with it, it will be an icing on the cake.

Action - Make use of what girls like
Time Interval - ~|pre|~ , ~|bongo|~
Reason - There are things that girls like but boys don't and vice-versa. That's the reason why couples fight, and address these as incompatibility issues. I advise my friend to remain informed about the things that girls admire and make full use of those facts.

On D-Day, he should put on a lip gloss, wear a maskara, get his hair straightened, donne a trendy skirt with matching heels, and after a while should whisper in her ear "John was looking so HOT in Dostana".

Action - Show her a Photo shoot Calender / Models Magazine
Time Interval - ~|bongo|~
Reason - He should take the calender/magazine and show photos to her one-by-one, telling her "See this girl, she is so characterless to pose in such way, but you aren't one" "See her, she is a supermodel, very pretty, but not pretty as you" "See these 10 girls standing together, they are looking like a Nuclear bomb but right now you are looking like a Hydrogen bomb", etc.. This will ensure the girl that her qualities of good character, sense of dressing, way of talking, etc. etc. (you know how girls think about themselves) are being appreciated.

For getting photos, you have to buy/download them first. Note that I haven't added the category ~|pre|~ . That's because my friend downloads such photos and deletes them after a while. He may still be having some with him, so he won't have to download afresh. He is so honest that if you question him about it, he won't deny.

Action - Buy a 1 Rupee Wilkinson Blade
Time Intervals - ~|pre|~ , ~|bongo|~
Reason - He should take the blade, imbibe her name on his forearm, show it to her and say "Tattoos are out, blades are in, whaddya say girl, I'm your shin shin" (don't refer the dictionary, she will be so shocked seeing the blade marks that she won't notice a word of what he would saying).

Action - Go to the doctor
Time Intervals - ~|post - oh yeah :) |~ , ~|post - oh no :( |~
Reason - Irrespective of what she says, he will have to go to the doctor to put bandages on his blade marks.

Action - Buy a Himesh Reshammiya's 100 songs Signature Collection
Time Intervals - ~|post - oh yeah :) |~ , ~|post - oh no :( |~
Reason - If she accepts the proposal, then he will have loads of songs to listen to, so that he would think about her, feel her, giggle and get lost in another world.

If she rejects, then also he will have loads of songs to listen to, so that he would think about her, feel her, cry and get lost in another world.

Action - Receive good wishes from people
Time Interval - ~|pre|~
Reason - Its a known fact, that when you wish for someone from your heart, the thing actually happens.

So I request you to go to the comments section and give my friend your blessings/good wishes/words of encouragement. May god be with him and he get the love of his life. He has always been faithful towards her (ignore the Angelina Jolie's wallpapers that he used to set), and has done a lot of good deeds in life (at times he has bullied his sibling, but has acted as a really good mentor for him as well).

Our wishes are with you my friend, may god bless, all the best!

Wish I was a child again

Now now, this is something that we all say, for various reasons varying from wandering carelessly -to- sleeping in mother's arms -to- playing with mud -to- fighting with our siblings -to- riding the see-saw -to- standing on the weighing scale so as to see a very less reading -to- not driving through congested areas....

My reason is different.

[<|>]

When we were tiny tots, almost everyone used to ask us "Beta, aap bade hokar kya banoge?" Mostly our answers used to be "A teacher", "A doctor", "An actor", or "A superhero", with an innocent smile on the face.

If I were a child again, I'd have said "Main bada hokar Property Dealer banoonga!", with an innocent smile on my face and hands on my pocket, symbolizing how rich I would be.

[<|>]

I remember the time I was 6 years old. On the way to school, I used to pass by a shop called "Jagga Property Dealer". Seeing him, I used to think "What does this guy do? He just sits on a chair, gossiping with people." How I wish I had also learnt the art of gossiping and sitting on a chair, instead of learning stuff like the Human Anatomy / Nuclear Physics / Complex Mathematics....

[<|>]

Years ago, there were barren areas on the outskirts of my city where no one used to go (such areas are in every city). I used to detest going there as well and felt that no one should build a home there, as those areas were too far from the main city, having no infrastructure at all.

Now I wish that I should have insisted on to my parents "Papa papa, mujhe wahaan pe zameen chahiye, chahiye, CHAHIYE!" and so we'd have purchased huge amounts of land there, whose value would have become 5/10/20/50 times within a few years due to all the I.T. / Multiplexes / lush socities / business centres being developed there.

[<|>]



Remember how we were made to shout "Jai Jawaan, Jai Kisaan" by our teachers? And the basic neccessties were "Roti, Kapda aur Makaan", in that order?

Had I been a child again, I'd have shouted "Jai Jameen, Jai Kisaan" and the basic necessities would have been "Makaan, Kapda aur Roti", in that order. This is as according to the Governments of various countries, there is too much of food on our planet, because of which most of the farms posessed by farmers are useless. Hence they must be taken over and converted to something on which Industries can be developed, so that the country's economy will recieve a boost leading to a more "prosperous nation".

[<|>]

To become a Real Estate Agent ( an H.S. alias for Property Dealer), you don't need to be graduate, at least in India. You don't need to pass Plus Two. Even 10th isn't needed. All you need to do is to possess land, which doesn't require any educational qualifications.

If I were a child again, I'd have invested the money used in my education for the purchase of land. And then shouted aloud on the roof of my house "Marks Aren't Everything!"

[<|>]

To all the Property Dealers / Real Estate Agents reading this :: Yours is a very noble profession, as you are fulfilling a basic necessity of people so that they won't have to sleep on the footpath. Take into consideration that everyone can't pay Rs. 50,000 in a single go, or sign a bond to live for one year, or adjust to live with all sorts of people in order to save money, or take a loan from the bank as his/her parents aren't too rich. Those who leave their families and travel thousands of kilometers in order to fulfil their dreams should be helped, not looted.

To those wishing to become a Property Dealer :: Go for it, if you intend to perform your duties with good intent and are actually going help the people in getting the accomodation of their choice, at reasonable price. There are some people in this field who are angelic and very helpful, but unfortunately their number is less.

Everyone :: Thanks for reading my post. :-)

A tribute to the essence of enigma

I asked god to send a soul, the blessed one
He sent me an angel, that also the chosen one

With eyes full of magnificance and words full of gratitude
Hands full of generosity and mind full of positive attitude

With freshness as of the morning sun
She transformed me from a boy to a human

She made me realise the importance of intent
She made me maximise the opportunities that god sent

The amount of faith and affections that she put in me
Ensured that I climbed the ladder of success with glee

That angel is you, oh teacher, that blessed soul is you
One whom i can't thank enough, that enigma is you

Your place is irreplacable, divine is your life grain
Please accept my regards, and bless my soul once again

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On another note, Happy Independance day to me, this is my first independance day sans the burden of books and the pressure of good marks!

(I wrote this poem for my friend DON, as a part of his activity in school, so the credit for igniting the fuel for penning down these words goes to him.)

Let’s dance to the vibes of pollution

We all know that pollution means to pollute. It is of many types – land pollution, air pollution, water pollution, physical pollution, virtual pollution, mental pollution, dental pollution, geographical pollution, historical pollution, Indian pollution, NRI pollution, yummy pollution, yucky pollution, simple pollution, compound pollution, Coke pollution, Pepsi pollution, colour pollution, B&W pollution, real pollution, believing-everything-I-say pollution….

I was educated about the after-effects of pollution by my teachers when I was small. As I didn’t have a thinking mind at that time, I blindly followed whatever I heard. I made sure not to throw anything on the road , never throw anything inside a river, was against vehicles emitting a lot of smoke, etc..

When I went to college, very few people talked to me about the side effects of pollution, as they enjoyed deglamourizing the Mother Nature as if it was a token of appreciation to all that it had given us.

Indeed there were some who kept talking about why we should stop, citing the consequences that could happen. Their thoughts did revolve my head.

After a lot of thoughtful thinking, I realized that the more we pollute the better our standard of living will be.

Here are a few consequences of what can happen in future and how our lives will be improved only for the better.

1. Fitter generation.

Our ancestors used to be physically fit as wherever they used to go they used to go on foot. This way they did a lot of physical exercise. Our parents did a lot of cycling as well.

Ironically the people of my generation are lazy; they can’t walk, wherever they go they go on car / scooter. Because of this the physiques of some of my friends appears as if they are planning to go to Japan to participate in the Annual Sumo Wrestlers Convention.

Going by the way the petroleum consumption is increasing, soon none of it will be left. Because of which we all will have to come down on the road, i.e. we will have to walk to the office or use bicycles. This will result in increased physical activities, hence fitter physiques.

2. Surgeons will be richer

Before performing an operation, a Surgeon has to give Anesthesia to his/her patient. This is so that the patient won’t irk the doctor during the operation process, and the patient won’t know the identity of the doctor in case a group of Surgeons were operating and something went wrong.

A penny saved is penny earned. A cent saved is cent earned. A paisa saved is paisa earned. An Anesthesia saved is money earned (you don’t earn Anesthesia, after all). In order to make the patient go in another world for a while, the doctors won’t need to buy Anesthesia. Due to increasing global waste all over, the dumping places will become full and hence people will dump wherever they find place; be it outside their house, their neighborhood, class room desks, etc. because of which garbage will be easy to find.

We all know how garbage smells like; we can faint if we smell it continuously. Already we have seen how people throw garbage on the streets, and from what it seems, in future garbage will be everywhere. The Surgeons will take some of the garbage outside their hospital/home, make the patient smell it, and viola, their work will be done free of cost!

It will be convenient for me as well; I won’t have to give my socks to my medico friends.

3. Increase in the heights of school children

The sizes of schoolbags of children seem to be increasing exponentially with the passage of time. Often we have seen our neighbour’s ever-smiling tender-looking young gun carrying a bag on his/her shoulders twice his/her weight. The weight of the bag sends forces in the downward direction which repel the upward forces sent by the child responsible for the growth of his/her height.

The effect is that the child gains height horizontally instead of vertically.

But now, as trees are being cut all over, soon there won’t be any trees left for making paper. Because of that, there won’t be any books. The lolly-polly children won’t have to carry any bags; hence their height will be more.

4. Lesser complaints by Himalayan Students

When a girl, who has spent all her life in places like Kashmir, Himachal Pradesh, Uttrakhand, etc., goes for study in another part of the country, the first thing that she complaints about is that “It is so HOT, back in my _____(insert location here) it used to be so cold! This place is so, ugh!”

Boys don’t complain, because wherever they go they aren’t bothered by petty things like weather. For them the only thing that matters is how the girls of that place are.

Anyway, that complaint will soon become a thing of the past. Because, with global warming, all the ice-caps of the Himalayas will melt, and no longer will there be such extreme coldness. The weather will remain the same throughout, thus ensuring regularity and consistency in terms of hotness.

5. Justice will prevail as terrorism will be reduced

The LTTE will not be there. The global warming will lead to melting of the glaciers, resulting in increase of water and hence the entire LTTE group will be drowned.

Same with the militants hiding in the valleys of Kashmir, as the peaks will melt and all their bases will be exposed.

Of course, the common human will suffer, but then, always the common ones have suffered. It is only the uncommon ones who don’t have to bear the brunt of agony. With the passage of time everyone will suffer equally, and justice will prevail.

Reading the above points, you must have been convinced that the standard of living for the next generation will be better, if we continue doing what we are doing. This is a nice and apt way of returning all that the Mother Nature has given us, isn't it?

Wacky Ways of Irritating Australians on the Cricket Field

Australia is the best team in the world when it comes to bashing - given an opportunity everyone (barring their native people) likes to bash them for all sorts of reasons. It gives immense pleasure to those who aren't able to match up to their admirable cricketing skills. On the field the opposing team never says a word to them as they fear it'll ignite the daemons inside their 6'6'' tall cricketers and they'll butcher them like helpless innocent animals.

As of late, Indians, who are considered to be among the most peaceful and cool-minded in the world (no arguments please), seem to be taking a lot of pride challenging the Australians and testing their temperament. S Sreesanth and Harbhajan Singh have acted as trendsetters for people belonging to other parts of the world by showing that now they also can "bully" the mighty Aussies (Gandhigiri anyone?).

The Australians are extremely hot blooded, and can be easily irritated. Here is a list of ways to how you can also achieve the same when playing a match against them.

1. If you belong to the Indian Subcontinent and are bowling, start shouting sentences to the keeper having the words "mann ki"(means 'of mind' in Hindi/Urdu). If any of the Australians get angry thinking that you are making references to the case that Symonds lost against Harbhajan, tell them that you are speaking in your native language which in no way happens to be racist/offensive.


2. Walk up to any of their players, point towards Symonds, and ask "Shall I call him a Monkey?" Crackers will start bursting inside the player's mind even before you finish the question and he is bound to let off some of the effects of the fireworks on you also, but in that case just smile and say that you've simply asked a question and haven't called him a Monkey.

If you want to try something extreme, tell Symonds that he is like a Monkey. Then, before he gives you a punch, tell him that you haven't said that he is a Monkey, you've simply said that he is like a Monkey (pretty dire, but will definitely revolve his head).*


3. If you are a member of the crowd, dress up in Indian attire and wear masks of Harbhajan Singh or S Sreesanth. Then whenever an australian batsman gets out, get into the stadium and start dancing so as to taunt them. If you are dressed like S Sreesanth then perform break dance(a la Michael Jackson) and if dressed like Harbhajan Singh then do Bhangra(just lift your hands in air in quick succession).




4. Whenever you get a chance, remind the Aussies of their defeats. When playing, walk up to a player and tell him about how Australia lost the 2005 Ashes, how Australia lost the 2007 VB Series 3-0, how Australia lost three matches in the inaugural Twenty20 World Cup, how they created hoopla before the Perth Test against India in 2008 which they ultimately lost, etc. (any one will do, you need not narrate all of them). This will anger the Australian like anything and he'll start narrating about the greatness of the Australian team and their other magnificent wins. The expressions of anger on his face will be priceless - he'll go on blabbering without even noticing that you aren't listening to him.


5. The problem that batsmen often face when playing against Australia is that the ball just doesn't come on the face of the bat, because of which most of the players get out Bowled, LBW, or caught behind when attempting to hit a wide ball. In order to make sure that the ball strikes the wooden leather every time, put stickers of Harbhajan Singh or S Sreesanth on the lower portion of your bat. The bowlers will make sure that each and every ball of them hit that part of the bat, so that they can fulfill their satisfaction of walloping them, but actually that will give easy hits to the batsman.


6. When batting against them, whenever one of their players make an appeal that is turned down by the Umpire, go and tell the bowler "Why are you appealing? He isn't Steve Bucknor!"




So, as a message to all those who are competing against Australia, remember that they aren't invincible. They might be a fantastic team, but can be easily defeated by making use of funky tactics and zingy management.


* - No racial stuff intended, please excuse. We Indians aren't racists, the biggest democracy in the world respects all races and religions.

(Note- The above post is written without intention of hurting anyone. I have equal respect for everyone and nothing is meant to be taken seriously).

Why (K)Ekta Kapoor must be appreciated

I haven't come across an Indian household which is an exception to the fact that half of the members are devout followers of the K-Soaps churned out by Balaji Telefilms and the other half devout critics of the very same K-Soaps churned out by Balaji Telefilms.

This article of mine is not about criticizing Ekta Aunty Ke Fundey(as mentioned in the title), it is about glorifying the less-talked facets of The Queen of Indian Television(ahem!). As they say, Love her or Hate her, you just can't ignore her. I am not going to ignore her(otherwise I won't be able to continue with the article). I am not going to love her, neither am I going to hate her. I am just going to put forward a few Krazy(!) facts abut Ekta Aunty which you might not have observed and for which she must be applauded.

Here we go!

1. Take into account the employment that she has generated. Right now she might be having some 25-odd serials running on air. For each of these 25 serials she needs a lot of people - cameramen to capture the same scene from 6 different angles, video editors to repeat each scene thrice, sound mixers to add effects every time the camera hovers nonchalantly(and to add songs from Tusshar Kapoor's movies whenever possible), make-up men to make a 20 year old actress look like a 80 year old grandmother(after three 20-year jumps), two female artists essaying villainous roles, one female artist essaying the girl-next-door role, one male artist who essays a negative role for the first two seasons and positive role for the next two seasons(after which he is killed), and dozens of never-before-seen faces so as to add a "fresh look" to the serial every time the TRP's are dipping.

2. The sales of Saree's and Gold Jewelry have spurged tremendously. You may often find your neighbour's mother talking things like "Look at my Bindi, it was worn by Ramola Sikand when she killed Shaina", "This Necklace was worn by Tulsi when Mihir was brought back", etc.. Work for the designers of Sarees and Jewelery has certainly become easier, as they needn't think of path-breaking ideas in order to boost their sales. All they need to do is to follow Ekta Aunty's funday's regularly so that when a particular lady demands a particular set(mostly an expensive one) worn by a particular Vamp or a specific costume(mostly a heavy one) worn by a specific daughter-in-law, they'll have it in their store.

3. Discrimination on the basis of gender has decreased. If you read our ancient texts, you'll find out that our women were depicted as the ones with good character, values, etc.. In more than 99.99% of the cases the demons and destructors happened to be men. It was depicted as if women worked towards the betterment of society, whereas men did the reverse(I don't need to cite an example, there are hoards of them). Which isn't true, as we all know how girls actually are(I better put on my helmet, I am going to receive a lot of sandals soon). Our Ekta Aunty has worked in favour of us humiliated guys, as if you watch any of her serial you'll find out that women destroy families, take revenges from their own in-laws, are the root of all evil, etc., which is actually true(I may have to go underground for writing this, my female colleagues aren't going to spare me).

4. Work has become easier for the Indian News Channels. Now instead of presenting news in the mould of high standards set by CNN and BBC, all of them show the same news at the same time, and whenever an important event occurs they discard the old news item and keep on showing the same piece on and on for days. Even so, when advertisement comes on one channel, it comes on the other channels as well.

5. Astrologers and Numerologists. They can never remove the burden of success that they owe to our dear Aunty. Because of her, their business has increased, with even small kids saying "Mummy Mummy I want to become an Astrologer when I grow up!". Astrologers have started offering courses like "How to make use of the letter K" and "How to insert vowels without sounding silly"(they do sound silly, and we all know that). If this continues, parents might give their children names like Aashha, Eiesha, Mookeish, and Kkkkiran(Shah Rukh Khan would have loved this name!).

6. Unity. Despite the religion, caste, creed, whatever but not the gender, people of all age groups unite when the topic of discussion is Ekta Aunty. The males will go on bashing our dear Aunty, whereas the ladies will go on raving about how the new daughter-in-law in a particular serial is or how good was her mother-in-law's Kanjeevaram Saree(a few so called high class ladies, who feel that Aunty's fundey are too middle class, won't indulge in the discussion).

After reading the above, you must have realised how grossly underestimated is the lady with the K. We must unite and hail her tremendous efforts. She has done so much for all of us, we must give her something as a token of appreciation.

So, come on, shout with me "EKTA AUNTY, OOOOOOOOOOOOOO, JAI MATA DI LET'S ROCK!"(Oops, I guess this is what happens when all the Music Channels show the same Himesh Reshammiya's songs all the time, perhaps inspired by Ekta Aunty's fundey).