An attempt to precise Pakistan

If the country Pakistan was represented as a mutual friend on facebook, my relationship status with it would be set to "Its Complicated". For even if I wish to adore, I can't do that, and the converse hate feelings can't take place as well.



Why can't you adore?



If I write something in favour of Pakistan, I'd receive tonnes of messages from my Indian friends, labelling me as a traitor, who has forgotten the wounds we had to undergo in events such as the Kargil War or the more recent 26/11 Mumbai attacks. They'd go to the extent saying that had someone close to me passed away in those incidents, I wouldn't have said such a thing.



And why can't you hate hate?



If I totally diss Pakistan, calling it the worst country in the world (it actually doesn't fare too high in rankings of World's most stable states) and brand all its people as terrorists (like how most non-Pakistanis feel these days), my inner conscience would tell me that I'm being too harsh. For like every nation in the world, it does have its share of good as well as bad people, root-wise who happen to be us Indians only. There was a time when we used to be one, and now such is the divide that we look at each other as enemies.



Why don't you just ignore them?



Turning deaf wouldn't bring resolutions, for all of us are affected by Pakistan in some way or the other. Those living on Pakistan's border (Punjab, Kashmir, Rajasthan, Gujarat) always have the fear of being attacked (my mother lived in Amritsar when 1965 war happened, it wasn't easy surviving in those days). Then there is always Pakistan's name in terror attacks on safe areas like Mumbai. When we go outside India, we encounter several Pakistanis, we have to be careful in handling certain matters. And there is the most important aspect, naming which has become some sort of a taboo, but its true.



And what is that taboo?



That we are same people only. Both evolved from the same nation, that was divided by Britishers. Hatred was infused in the name of religion, thus ending harmony. The same people used to sit together in evenings, share meals from the same plate, encouraged their children towards inter-religion marriage, and there was high tolerance towards accepting those who were different from them (for reference you may go through the book 'Absolute Khushwant' by Mr. Khushwant Singh). Such is the condition now that Indians and Pakistanis are widely popular for being intense enemies, and if an Indian praises a Pakistani or honors their talent, s/he has to hear a lot of swear words from the society.



Why is that so?



The reason cited is that, Pakistan has been India's number 1 enemy in the world. They are responsible for Kashmir mess, have killed a lot of innocent people in incidents like 1999 Kargil war and 2008 Mumbai attacks. Had, god forbid, someone close to me perished in those attacks, then I wouldn't have thought the same about Pakistan.



So what's wrong in that, its true, isn't it?



On the matter of Pakistanis killing Indians, I suggest you to go to any Indian city, open up the newspaper, and go through local news.



If you calculate the number of deaths that occur due to our countrymen alone, like murders, rash driving, etc. then they are much more than those due to Pakistani terror attacks. Indians reading this sentence may get furious and openly condemn me. Pakistanis might be laughing thinking that I have given a reason to those who scoff at them. But I'd like to ask, have I said anything wrong? Is there any region besides Antarctica where humans don't kill other humans? Prove me wrong if you can, but the solution doesn't lie in stating who is wrong or right, it is in making both countries better by fighting the inner evils. We shouldn't ignore the inner psyche that makes someone a criminal.



I might be sounding controversial, but I am being realistic, what I have said isn't wrong but true. I'd appreciate if my fellow countrymen utilize their energies in making the nation even more better, rather than abusing an unheard-of guy like me.



But we can't forget the wounds they have infused on us, can we?



OK, then answer me this question - We were plundered by few European countries for around 200 years, weren't we?



Yes, but that happened long ago, we have moved on since they left us more than 50 years ago.



We Indians might have, but there are cases where they do regard us as land of snake-charmers. I started believing that after seeing response to Slumdog Millionaire, where my NRI colleagues abroad told me that this was what their adopted country people thought about us and some of them had to face racial discrimination because of the same.



We say that we have moved on in case of Europeans, and that all their people aren't bad. Yes, its true, I do know a lot of Europeans whom I immensely respect. But my question is, what can't we look at Pakistanis from the same view point? We Indians and Pakistanis belonged to one nation, we used to respect our differences very well before partition, what has happened now?



Don't compare Europe with Pakistan, they are more process oriented and their class can't be matched!



OK, then answer one more question - Suppose you were the head of your country. You invaded any "process oriented" European country, took control, dominated for 200 years, reducing their wealth to shambles, degraded their self-pride and morals, without having any opposition from any peace-prevailing world organization, and by the time you returned, do you think they'd be the same as before?



Was India really THAT good at one point of time?



I suggest you go talk to any scholar who has studied Indian History in depth. This'd clarify few doubts.



It appalls me that their media branded us as "thieves", before Common Wealth Games 2010 commenced, forgetting what they themselves had done. India never invaded any other country in its history, for more such facts refer here.



Are you saying that India is better than those European countries?



That's an altogether different debate. I'll just say that wherever you are living, be a good human and accept those who are different from you. I am against unnecessary + unrequired NRI bashing by resident Indians, who themselves aren't inventing some Nobel prize winning invention by staying in India or engaging in social work so as to "serve" the country. Hence don't assume that I am branding European NRI's in a negative light.



Now back to how we should look at Pakistan.

Oh yeah, go ahead.



In the human body, if there is pain in one area, it has effect on remaining parts too. Similarly we can't ignore one nation like this. India and Pakistan need to unite so as to eradicate the bad people, who are killing others in the name of religion. I have met some pretty honest Muslims who not only are good humans but also don't get into talks of proving their religion being the best. They do very well relate with the dialogue "My name is Khan, and I am not a terrorist".



In Western countries, Indians and Pakistanis live together, they find it easier to relate with each other, prime reason being common language. Things do get tense in case of a Cricket match or terror attacks, on the whole they remain united and care for each other. I myself remember one such experience, where we met a gentleman with his wife on Singapore airport, hailing from Lahore. Not only did we feel comfortable conversing with each other (for those who don't know, Urdu and Hindi are a lot similar), they gave us several food stuffs to eat/drink, we took photos with them, and it was such a memorable experience that I cherish it till today.



What's your take on Pakistan, the country?



Of course I do love Pakistan bashing when they lose in Cricket. It isn't as secular as India, for you don't find many non-Muslims occupying top positions, and unlike India many non-Muslims converted to Islam post partition (in India most Muslims stayed as Muslims without getting converted to Hindus). There have been too many terror attacks in the country, and the number of tourists are declining. Barring Nawaz Sharif and Parvez Musharraf, all their previous heads got assassinated, period. Their Industrial growth is much less than India and aren't home to any Fortune-500 company. Their media is renowned for writing fake articles regarding India, and going by their recent WikiLeaks report, seems that they aren't in mood of changing old habits. Not only have the terror-breeding camps increased, there is also speculation of Osama Bin Laden residing, who has been constantly topping the US Most Wanted List for more than 9 years.



As every Indo-Pak discussion invokes the K-word as a mandate, her I go on what I feel about it - Kashmir should go to India, simply because we are a better nation, progressing much more than Pakistan. We are also more secular, where non-Hindus have represented the country as President, Prime Minister, Chairman of the largest multi-disciplinary firms, Cricket captain, etc. People cheered for A R Rahman to win Oscars, even though he is a Muslim who was earlier a Hindu. In India, if you are a good human and have the tendency of bringing accolades to the country, people would always hoot for you.



On a positive note I admire that Pakistan is slightly more liberal compared to other Muslim dominated countries. They have let modelling industry thrive in their nation.



What's your take on the people of Pakistan?



If i think about visiting Pakistan, I fear that I may get attacked/killed in some bomb blast or the other (like what happened to Sri Lankan Cricket team or Daniel Pearl). But I also know that many of their people would be extremely hospitable and would ensure that I have a comfortable stay. Finding Vegetarian food in Pakistan isn't easy, but they'd take care of that for me. I went there with my family in 1987, though I don't remember anything about the visit, my folks told me that they received a warm welcome. In 2004, when relations appeared to be turning for the better between both countries, my parents visited Lahore and had a soothing experience.



I have talked to few young Pakistanis on the Internet. They are concerned about living a good life, and are worried over the direction their nation is going. The inner conscience of some of them is such that they do get hurt when they get branded as terrorists, for they know that these aren't the values they were brought up with.



At this point of time, Veena Malik has generated a lot of attention in Bigg Boss 4. Quite a few Pakistanis are upset about it, for they feel she is giving an impression among non-Pakistanis that all of them are like that only. This shows that they do have some good human qualities, that's why they are feeling that way.



As I mentioned early in this article, every country has its share of good as well as bad people. Unfortunately in case of Pakistan, the positive ones are suffering too much due to misdeeds of the negative ones.



(Not creating any regional divide by saying this - I feel the reason why India is faring better than Pakistan is due to South Indians. Based on my personal experience, I have observed them to be more sincere than others. The level of education in South India is quite high, the places are more serene, and there is increased connectivity of people with Indian values.)



Please conclude the article



Pakistan is nowhere compared to India, but that doesn't mean all their people are terrorists. Instead of wasting energy in abusing each other, we need to resolve critical issues to make the world a safer place. The better humans should be openly appreciated. What's the harm in loving few more people, when we already have so much of hate filled in us? They watch our movies and we listen to their music. We grew up watching their stage comedy and they watch our Saas-Bahu sitcoms. There are several common connections between both of us, whose realization is being stopped. If we can look at the countries who dominated us, in a positive sense, we can do the same with those having same roots as us.



Every now and then we hear about some sort of Intelligence Report saying that the country could be dismantled within few years, and if that happens it'd actually be a good thing for India. Not only would we fight better in removing terror from those parts, also we'd become home for many accomplished artists who have been winning the world over with their talent.



And yes, this way Kashmir issue would be resolved. Hopefully for ever.

The Real Indians

Tuesday, 6 PM. As I stepped out of the lift, the male security guard at the reception stopped me, requesting to get my bag checked, in case I was secretly carrying some office valuables with me.

Inspection isn't something that I am fond of, and I try to avoid it whenever possible, for I have self-belief in not being a guy who'd steal valuables. I am not even a kleptomaniac, so leave that aside as well. The values put in by my parents and teachers prevent me from doing quite a few things.

And as I wanted to tell that guard that I am not a thief, I just remembered a recent incident in which I had uttered what was on my mind.

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I was with a friend, who had become more uneasy with the repeated process of getting backs inspected, and when he was raising his concern with the guard I chipped in with a small sentence "You mean to say that we are thieves?". After some time, the guard's manager came, and my friend got into a discussion with him. In between, the guard told him what I had said, and though it didn't receive much importance, I sensed that he had been hurt because of me, despite me not having any such intentions.

While the guard was perfectly obeying his duties - performing security checks on individuals irrespective of the position held by them; somehow I could sense that he was an honest bloke, who'd never commit any sort of crime despite not being as financially rich as the ones holding stature similar to me.

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Coming back to life, I handed over my bag to the security guard. He handed me a register and asked me to fill in details like my name, ID, contact number, etc. He placed the register in such a way that I'd feel comfortable, and won't have to budge from my existing posture.

When I finished writing, the guard was still doing his job. So I walked few steps and looked out, to notice that it was raining heavily.

Yaju Arya - "Oh my god, quite a heavy rain, isn't it?"
Security Guard 1 - [smiles]
Security Guard 2 (she was a lady) - [laughing] "Didn't you know that?"
YA - "I had seen dark clouds from my cubicle's window, didn't know it was raining to this extent"
SG2 - [smiles]
SG1 - "Here you go sir"
YA - "Do I need to write anything else?"
SG1 - "No sir, that's it"
YA - "Thank you"
SG1, SG2 - "Welcome sir"

Off I went, carrying memories of those whose mother tongue wasn't Hindi, yet they used that language for communicating with me. They might be facing numerous issues at home, aren't big shots in professional sense, still they were carrying smiles on their faces.

India has often been branded as a Corrupt nation, the stereotyped image in most Western countries isn't something very positive (some people credit Slumdog Millionaire for denting that further). And when in India, you are branded more for the region / community you belong to, rather than a common nationality.

For some time, I wondered, who are the Real Indians.
* Are they Tamils, for they claim themselves to have originated from this country?
* Are they Gujaratis, for Vegetarianism and non-Alcoholism is prominent over there?
* Are they the ones from Uttar Pradesh, for it is the major hub of Ancient Indian sites such as River Ganga and Varanasi?
* Are they the ones from Punjab, for this is where Vedas were written?

And then I thought, no mate, we all are Indians now. Whatever be our source of origin, whatever be our belief, right now all of us are citizens of India.

And then I wondered even more - Who are the Real Indians?
* Are they the ones who take active interest in ancient Indian texts such as the Vedas? It incurred to me that even in that age, very few people took interest in intellectual stuff, similar to today's times, and I know some people who don't have interest in such things but that won't classify them as Non-Indians.

* Are they the ones who take interest in all things Indian? There are people who wear some specific coloured clothes in a particular pattern, preach spiritual stuff, explain verses with the use of few Sanskrit words, and eat only Indian cuisine. However, there are some who are exactly opposite, yet they go and stand on the national border in order to prevent enemy soldiers from creeping in.

* Are they the ones who highlight issues occurring in the country? I won't say that all those who openly criticized Delhi Common Wealth Games 2010 were patriotic. While some had genuine constructive criticism, this wasn't the case with all of them.

* Those who chose to remain in India? India is the only country I have seen, where people value their roots and think about its welfare, despite being born and brought up in some other country. A significant number of Non Residential Indians(NRI's) contribute more towards India's welfare compared to the ones residing in the nation. Though all aren't like that in behaviour, the better ones do have to face the wrath of getting stereotyped by those living in their adopted country as well as parent country.

* APJ Abdul Kalam is among the most patriotic humans I have seen, who happens to be well versed with Quran as well as Bhagwat Gita. One the best teachers under whom I studied was a Christian. So don't even get started on the topic of a religion not having its founders from India.

And so, after much thought, I have finally realized who the Real Indians are.

They are the ones, whose conscience doesn't let them commit any kind of robbery.
They are the ones, who don't forget to smile, despite facing numerous hurdles.
They are the ones, who make an effort to learn about items pertaining to National Interest, through mediums other than the school.
They are the ones, who would do anything to earn daily bread, except hurting someone.
They are the ones, who carry on in life, despite facing humiliations from the ones above them.
They are the ones, who remain connected to their roots, even if they are far away.
They are the ones, who keep faith despite knowing what happened in the past.
They are the ones, who accept reality and come to terms with it.
They are the ones, whose name may not go in History books, but are concerned about living for the moment.
They are the ones, having high levels of tolerance, for they accept those who are different from them.

(All Photographs courtesy Arjun Suri Photography)

How to gain ____ (blank)

For the time being, won’t reveal the content of the last word.

If you wish to know the answer, kindly answer the following question.

Q. When an individual sets out from home for work/studies and lives alone in that area, away from his/her native place (a common term in South India), what is it that s/he loses the most?
a. Conscience / Moral Character
b. Hair on head
c. Bank Balance
d. Weight
Quite a few people end up losing all four of them. So let me reframe the above question.


Q. When people set out from home, for professional or academic purpose, what is it that most of them lose?

If you don’t have the answer up your sleeve, you might be hurling abuses right now, directed at me over what question I asked.

Keep in mind that some rhetorical questions aren't meant to be answered. In this case, as I have to proceed with my blog entry, there has to be an answer. Instead of giving the answer straightaway, am offering the explanation for each option, along with the reason for its acceptance / rejection.

a. Conscience / Moral Character - The answer is correct for quite a few people. When in college, I observed that the girls who used to get carried away the most by glamour and experimented all sort of various things were the ones from Bihar (no racist stuff intended, just an observation), reason being that they used to hail from a conservative background and didn't have access to such glitters at home, which lead them to maintain a totally different plain jane image at home in front of their parents and a vastly radical one in the presence of their friends.

But there were quite a few people, who remained just the same. Hence this answer isn't correct for the maximum number of people.

"Circumstances do not make the man, they reveal him." - Allen, James

b. Hair on head - Oh god, dear lord. People who spend a significant part of their life living in a single place get accustomed to the type of water present in that area, because of which when they start living elsewhere their hair aren't able to handle the new change in their life. Resulting in hair fall for most people, change of colour for some. Now you know why they advertise so much for Hair Fall Solutions and Hair Colour on TV?

"If you do not change, you can become extinct." - Dr. Spencer Johnson (Who Moved My Cheese?)
While this is true for a lot of people, isn’t so for the most of them (there are some lucky ones). Which takes us to the next point.

(Just wondering, people lose the hair on their head, why not on the other parts of their body?)

c. Bank Balance - Residing away can be a costly affair, especially if you are alone. Extra accommodation cost for not living in your own home, dolling out surplus amount of money on food not cooked by mother/spouse, paying someone else to wash your clothes, purchasing grocery items you wouldn't have required otherwise; there are quite a few cases in which it would have been cheaper to stay at home rather than out of town. This is true for students and most working professionals.

A guy might earn Rs. 10,000 in his native place and Rs. 20,000 in a place more than a thousand kilometers away. However in the former case s/he may not have to pay for housing expenses, home made food, travel to and fro when on vacations, etc. because of which s/he may end up earning more due to extra savings.

Of course, there are exceptions, because of this option fails as well. They are
i) The guy is sent to some Western country on an assignment and his/her company takes care of accommodation, meals, and miscellaneous expenses. Though the number of such cases have reduced recently due to recession, but it is expected that they'd increase again. (Oh dear lord, please, I also wish to receive this opportunity !! )
ii) The guy gets employment opportunity in such a place that he makes it his new home and gets settled over there with his family.

Crossing out this option, off to the one that is the answer.

d. Weight - Oh YEAH, this is the Undisputed Champ! You know, everyone whom I met so far, lost weight after staying at a place away from home. Everyone, without one exception, whose name I will disclose after penning few verses.

Ok, I would come to point straightaway, the guy who gained weight immensely was me. In mid of February 2008, I weighed 59 kilos, and then I started working in Panchkula (Haryana, India) for my academic project. By the time it ended in May, I was around 65. When I joined my organization in end June, I might have been around 66.

8th August, 2010. My weight is now 82 when I last checked, could be 83 by the time you read this.

All my friends, having work/study experience in places varying from Chandigarh to Chennai, Kolkata to Korea, Mumbai to Mangalore, Switzerland to Spain, Bangalore to Britain - each and everyone of them, without fail, lost weight. When I narrate my statistics of not sliding down the scale, they get amused as well as awe-struck, as to what Wizard of Oz did I deploy. There are a lot of people making money by telling how to lose weight, in the form of books, journals, TV programmes, food stuff, etc. and they claim its an evergreen market.

However, it seems that I may have to start some sort of a new trend, so here goes. Direct from the horse' mouth (whatever the phrase is). For the first time ever, I am sharing my utter precious secrets of how I gained weight. If you follow them, then I assure you an upward rise in your body mass. If this doesn't happen within one month I would return you your money back.

Oh wait, I didn't charge you any money. So no money back. Read at your own risk. :P

Here we go!
1. Don't waste foodAm enclosing proceeding sentences in square brackets. Would explain the purpose later.
(square brackets start) [
Look at this child.

(Photograph courtsey Arjun Suri Photography)

Now answer the following questions in Yes/No.
a. Do you feel he gets to eat three decent meals everyday?
b. Do you feel he eats less because of his own will?
c. If offered something to eat, do you feel he'd create fuss over it?
d. Do you feel that once he gets something to eat, he won't consume the entire quantity?

If you answered all of them as 'No', then ponder over this - A lot of people in this world don't get proper meals do eat. While some can't afford to purchase food (the poor ones), some of them just don't get any kind of food (like the ones in most parts of Africa). If we offer them something to eat, they'll eat it readily. Bitter Gorud, boiled vegetables, raw cabbage, jackfruit - anything you give them, they'll consume it. They don't throw away what they get, as they cherish its worth, and are aware of the struggles they had to undergo in order to have it.

Now I will ask one more question.

e. Do you feel this child is among the most educated ones on the planet?
If your answer is 'No', then think about the people around you. Students pursuing professional courses, well qualified Science graduates, head honchos of various organizations, people who serve in religious institutions - they do waste food, don't they?

Bigger issue isn't that people aren't getting food to eat, but that the ones who are getting it aren't respecting its worth. The food that we waste in restaurants, canteens, religious institutions, etc. goes straight to the dustbin and not in the stomach of someone who needs it. When two people are getting 200 grams of grains, one is getting 25 and the other is getting 175. The former consumes entire 25 grams and the other throws away 50 grams instead of giving it to the one who could have relished it.

Especially in buffets, don't assume you are getting your money's worth by taking each and everything that is up for grabs. I have seen people in IT industry who take Salad everyday as a part of lunch included with the meal and waste it as well. I wonder, why do they take it then? Also, when you know that a specific vendor is quite weak at making a particular dish, you need not take it. If some amount of food gets left, you can pack it, come outside the building, and either give it to poor people, security guard of your building, or relish it yourself the next day.

In religious institutions like Gurudwaras and Arya Samaj, langar is perceived as free food by a lot of people. I have seen people throwing plate full of assorted items, which lands up in no one's stomach ultimately.

A guy heading a prominent hospital in Bangalore once told me that 27% of all food served in the restaurants of USA is wasted. While I won't comment on the validity of the statement, but the number is quite alarming for countries that are considered to be "developed".

So when you gorge on something, think before leaving it for the wrecks.
] (square brackets end)

The words enclosed in square brackets were preachy. But, they should be permanently scribbled on the walls of your heart, so that they become a part of your daily schedule. Be it night or day, be it in the class room or office, be it in front of your Microsoft Kinect (don't ask me what it is, search on Google) or Cricket pitch, be it lunch time or dinner time; the verses highlighted in square brackets should be running in the annals of your gray cells. So that everytime you feel like sparing that little bit of lettuce or mashed brinjals, images of impoverished children deprived of food should be displayed in the LCD of your brain continually.

Once you start doing that, there would be no looking back. This contributed as the major factor for me gaining weight. People say Vegetarians find it difficult outside India, but once you get used to eating just about any edible thing without blood and yolk, you won't face much issues. Also fall in love with all kinds of food, keep looking at photos of delicacies on the internet and never refrain from looking at menu cards of the restaurants that do home delivery. Following this point alone would help you achieve most of the desired purpose.

2. I scream, Ice Cream
The heading might be clichéd, but this is what you should do when you spot an Ice Cream - scream with joy!

If you wish to know why, just answer a simple question. What is it that differentiates an Ice Cream from Potato Chips, Lachcha Parantha, Yellow Lentil, Fried Rice, Cheese Nachos, Grilled Vegetarian Sizzler, Ragda Pattice, Penne Primavera, Double Cheese Pizza, Paneer Tikka, and Espresso Coffee?
(Am drooling right now, need to control myself ....)

The USP is - Ice Cream is sweet in taste. I don't know what you were thinking, but think about it, if Ice Cream was sour, would it have gained as much worldwide acceptance as it currently has?

The point I am going to discuss here not only applies to Ice Cream, but for all things having a sweet taste - Chocolates, Indian sweets, Bakery products like Cakes and pastries, Candies, Syrups, Colas, etc. over which you should scream when you see them. Why? Because they are full of calories, fats, and carbohydrates. They contain less protein and the inhaled stuff occupies a permanent stuff in your belly (or so it seems).

Need another reason? Observe the common pattern among these.
i. The lady sitting at Guru Nanak Sweet Shop, Kalyani Nagar, Pune; recognizes me by my face.
ii. The gentleman in-charge of the Natural Ice Cream parlour in Koregaon Park, Pune; shares positive vibes with me.
iii. The gentleman heading Kremes 'n' Krustes, Kalyani Nagar, Pune; smiles at me when I enter his shop.
iv. The lady behind Ferrante, Koregaon Park, Pune; treats me affectionately whenever I go there.

You might have observed the geniality in all of them. The reason is simple - I frequent these shops regularly. Similar case should be with you also - just think about the satisfaction that you get after receiving celebrity kind of reception. The impeccable feeling after trying all their Vegetarian items. Inner persona magnified for having tasted so many delicacies that your friends suggesting you to become a Food Guide in order to earn few extra bucks during recession. Absolutely divine!

3. Future of fast food
The man with the biggest cult following among Indian Intellectuals of all age groups right now, Baba Ramdev, once discussed French Fries on his TV show. He said that when potatoes are put in burning oil, they get exposed to sudden high temperature, thus destroying the essential nutrients. What remains is fat, which gets accumulated in our body when we eat the end product.

He cited this to be true for everything deep fried; like Samosas, Kachoris, Jalebis, Chips, etc.
[
Do you know, if you eat fried stuff from a road side vendor, chances of falling sick are less. This is because when an item is deep fried, it kills any harmful germs that may be present inside. This doesn't happen with baked stuff. Also, anything that is deep fried always tastes better than a baked one.
](square brackets, get used to them now)

Repeat the above passage repeatedly till you become a devout follower of fried food. In USA, there is a drive to reduce the amount of fast food absorbed by their residents, especially children, and in quite a few schools fast food has been banned. Eating fruits and vegetables has become the in-thing over there, thus affecting business of fast food joints like McDonalds. In order to prevent themselves from going bankrupt, firms are setting up branches in India. General public perception towards them is ‘Oh, this is superhit American chain, having opened branch in our country, the stuff being offered by them has to be truly divine, so lets eat there, after which we’d join their fan page on facebook to show everyone on our list that we know about them.‘ Whatever be their definition of 'divine', we won’t debate on its credibility. In your case it is definitely divine for it infers being easier for you to gain oodles of pounds.

Some people, when eating Pooris and Bhatooras, wipe out extra oil with the help of a tissue paper. In your case you should AVOID that.

4. Become a couch potato
Here is a 6 step guide for you.

i. Stay in bed as much as possible. Sleep early, wake up late. Have your meals in bed, ask someone to deliver them for you.
ii. Outdoor walks should be restricted to roaming around the streets on Google Street View and Discovery Travel and Living.
iii. Become addicted to TV, Internet, books; anything but physical activity, especially hitting hard in the gym.
iv. Any social interaction with people outside your home should be done via phone or the internet, until unless they come to meet you.
v. Take up a sedentary job that requires long sitting hours. If possible have meals on your desk instead of walking to the cafeteria.
vi. Join the 'couch potato' community on social networking sites such as facebook and be proud over calling yourself one.

5. Brown or White
I am not talking about the pre-Indian Independence era where White people were discriminated over the so-called Brown ones (unfortunately colour based discrimination still exists in various parts of the world). I am referring to the two categories of breads most Indians are familiar with - White Bread and Brown Bread.

White Bread is essentially made up of Refined Wheat Flour. Brown Bread contains mostly Wheat and little Refined Wheat Flour so as to induce elasticity (this is the reason why Butter Naan becomes harder to break when it gets cold, compared to Butter Roti). While Refined Wheat Flour is among the tastiest grains on the planet, it doesn't get digested easily. Its undigested molecules continue residing in various parts of the Human Digestive System. Now you know why most Americans are so obese? This is their secret, most of the things that they eat is made up of Refined Wheat Flour.

Everytime I eat Pizza and drink a bottle of Soft drink along with it, I gain 1 kilogram. In India its difficult to find items prepared in Brown Bread. And quite a few vendors of Brown Bread dip White Bread in Caramel, which helps more in gaining weight (a good Wheat Bread leaves a lot of crumbs, the Refined Wheat Flour one sticks to its homogenous particles, and hence doesn't separate easily). So whenever you spot something white in colour, you know what you have to do - feast on it as if you haven‘t had meals in ages! (akin to how most people eat in marriages)

6. Taking walks
If you are wondering how am I saying such a contradictory thing, which helps in losing weight rather than gaining, here is the catch. You have to carefully define the areas where you stroll, and how.

There was a time when I used to return home from office by riding pillion off my friend‘s motorcycle. He used to drop me at a place from which my home was 20 minutes on foot. On the way there used to be Ice Cream parlours, sweet shops, bakeries, fast food joints, etc. (now you know how I developed most of the acquaintances as listed in point 2?) On a warm day, it was natural for me to stop at one of these shops in order to refresh myself. The 25-40 calories that I used to lose by walking and sweating, were made up by consuming 250-400 calories.

More so, there used to be days where I felt like treating myself due to being elated over some reason, hence even on non-summer days I used to enjoy munching.

7. Punjabi genes
With due respect, no purposeful offense, when I went outside Punjab, for the first time I saw ladies who were slim. I had seen a couple of thin gentlemen in Punjab, but they happened to be rare exceptions But its a given, if you are a Punjabi you are bound to gain weight with the passage of time. Facial features aside, the physical ones are unique as well, in a rather expanded manner.

For those who want proof, either come down to Punjab, or take a look at photographs of famous Punjabi celebrities.

So, if you are a Punjabi, when it comes to gaining weight, there is one natural thing you don’t have to bother upon.

8. Perception of fat people
Many years ago, I used to hate those who were fat. I perceived them as lazy good-for-nothing bums, classifying them as black and the slim ones as white. I was convinced that the good people weren't overweight. These collected notions were responsible for me maintaining a figure that would have given complex to several leading models trying to achieve a Size Zero figure. Yes, this is how thin I was at one point of time.

Around the age of 16, I realized, that I wasn't right in my perception. Looking at the people around me, I observed that the ones who were fond of eating were mostly kind hearted, and one would often spot them with a cheerful smile on their face. The slim ones, on the other hand, used to remain off-coloured, the reason for which was attributed to not eating enough food, resulting in one not having a particularly great time in their company especially when in a mood for jovialness. Some of my bulging cousins in Amritsar contributed to my newly developed faith as well.

As a result, from what used to be around 52, became 67 in less than two years, and then I joined college.

Though my weight remained more or less same by the time I graduated, its graph started following an upward trend soon thereafter. It was also attributed to some more people, having few extra pounds, that I had met in the recent years. Among all stand up comedians that I see on TV, the one who has mesmerized me the most (that is, no one made me laugh as much as her, don‘t mix appreciation with infatuation) is Bharti Singh, and her physical figure does make me chuckle when she dances or laughs at herself.

[
Think about the fat people around you, aren't most of them more jovial compared to the slim ones? Look at eminent TV / Stage personalities, don't they tickle your funny bone more as compared to others? The effervescent smile of the chubby ones in your class, can you ever forget them? Did you ever see a wafer-thin lad cracking a joke on his physique or laughing at himself?
] (last square bracket of the article, go and thank god if you want)

Keep repeating the above, so much that when someone wakes you up from sleep at 4'o clock in the morning these words should come out from your mouth, despite you being in a dizzy state. This'd prove how serious and dedicated you are towards gaining weight.

Conclusion
I hope that the above points are of use to you, in increasing your belly size. Eat food, bring variations, do whatever that makes you happy. Just, ensure that you do not cross the limit. The number of cases pertaining to Diabetes, obesity, blood pressure, hypertension, etc. are increasing in the world. And as you read this, I have started losing weight. My mantras are simple - I'd be doing the reverse of the points that I mentioned above (except the genes one, as I have no control over it; and the wastage one, as I am against throwing edible food). I conclude by enlisting a quotation.


"These days, more people are dying because of eating more food, rather than the lack of it" - Dr. Rishi Kumar Arya.

My first Punjabi Poem

Before I start the narration, let me make a confession, among the three languages that I am most comfortable with (Hindi, English, Punjabi), I am weakest in the one that happens to be my mother tongue, Punjabi - despite growing up in Punjab, most of the people around me communicating in Punjabi, and attaining knowledge of the language in school for 10 years.

The factors attributing to my Punjabi skills being below-par-as-expected are

1. My parents always used Hindi as the language for conversation with me, so that is the one I grew up chitchatting the most.

2. 13 years of my schooling was in a DAV , where a lot of emphasis is given on the rashtra bhasha (national language) primarily on the account of national pride, hence my Hindi skills prospered the most. Post that I spent 2 years in an Appejay school where antarashtriya bhasha (international language, i.e. English) is given prime importance. My college was outside Punjab, so the importance to maatra bhasha (mother tongue, you know which one it is for me) suffered even more.

3. I was always told by my peers to give more importance to English and Hindi, as their accessibility was more and having a good grasp on the same would help me reach out to a broader set of people with ease.

4. I somehow had a notion that Punjabi wasn't a good language, for it was full of swear words, unlike Hindi which was a very soft language (Its another thing that my notion on the latter turned out to be incorrect when I went to college, as I realized that people everywhere echoed similar feelings using different set of alphabets).

 

(a morning in Punjab)

Away from my home, in college, I realized that I was wrong; I should have paid more importance to my maatra bhasha (you now know what that is, if not go to point number 2), as if I won't do that, then who else will?

There are numerous people in the world trying to learn various international languages (one prime reason being that they wish to show that off in various social networking sites and collaborative meetings). No matter however strong or effluent those languages be, they don't have a poet of the stature of Shiv Kumar Batalvi, they don't have a scripture of the level of Sri Guru Granth Sahab Ji, they don't have soulful melodies like Nit Khair Manga and a rich musical heritage, they don't have people like Gurdas Maan and Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan who entertained as well as preached meaningful verses, they don't have comedians like Bhagwant Maan and Jaspal Bhatti who brought out laughter from various heart-wrenching facts of life.

There are numerous other citations I can give, for the time being all I would say is that Punjabi language is one of the most under-promoted in India, a huge chunk of people feel it is just about Bhangra, hurling choicest of abusive words, behaving in a loony manner; what they don't know is that beneath all these is a very solid base on which numerous civilizations are surviving.

Anyway, coming to what this topic was intended to be, I just wrote my first Punjabi poem. Not of the high standards as set by few prominent people like the ones mentioned two paras above, but penning down these verses made me happy - a delightful feeling coupled with excitement and ecstasy.

Poem's situation - When you aren't too happy with the work being given to you by your manager / boss and want him to give you something else / send on-site on some international project.

Poem in Punjabi 

(Punglish version of the same is written below for those who have knowledge of the language but can't read it)

ਮੈੰਨੂ  ਬਾਹਰ  ਭੇਜ , ਤੇੰਨੁ  ਛਡ ਦਿਆਂਗਾ

ਜੇ  ਏਥੇ  ਰਖਿਆ   ਤੇ  ਵੱਡ  ਦਿਆਂਗਾ

ਬਕਵਾਸ  ਕਿੱਤੀ ਤੇ  ਭੰਨ  ਕੇ  ਰਖ  ਦਿਆਂਗਾ

ਔਖਾ  ਹੋਯਾ  ਤੇ  ਟੋਟੇ  ਟੋਟੇ  ਕਰ  ਦਿਆਂਗਾ

ਝੂਟੇ  ਦਿਲਾਸੇ  ਦੇਣ  ਨਾਲ  ਕੁਝ  ਨੀ  ਹੋਣਾ

ਵੰਗਾ  ਛਿੱਡਕੌਣ   ਨਾਲ  ਮੀ  ਨੀ  ਵਰਨਾ

ਪੁੱਤ  ਸ਼ੇਰਾਂ  ਦੇ  ਤੇਰੇ  ਜਿਹੋ   ਨਾਲ  ਨੀ  ਡਰਦੇ

ਊਚੇ  ਬਾਦਸ਼ਾਹ  ਤੇ  ਸਾਡੇ  ਦਿਲ  ਵਿਚ  ਨੇ  ਵਸਦੇ

ਝੁੰਡ  ਨਹੀ , ਅਪਾ  ਤੇ  ਕੱਲੇ  ਸ਼ਿਕਾਰ  ਕਰਦੇ  ਨੇ

ਮੋਡੇ  ਤੇ  ਦੁਨਾਲੀ , ਹੱਥੇ  ਕਟਾਰ ਰਖਦੇ  ਨੇ

ਕਬਜੇ  ਤੇ  ਅੱਸੀ  ਕਈ  ਕਿੱਤੇ  ਨੇ , ਤੂ  ਕੀ  ਚੀਜ਼  ਹੈ

ਚੜ੍ਹਕ  ਜੁੱਤੀ  ਮਰ  ਜਾਉ , ਏਹਿਯੋ  ਤੇਰੀ  ਔਕਾਤ  ਹੈ

ਜਦੋਂ  ਲਲਕਾਰੇ ਵਜੰਗੇ, ਤਾਈਯੋ ਤੈੰਨੂ  ਅਕਲ ਆਊਗੀ

ਮੌਤ  ਨੂ  ਮਾਸੀ  ਆਖੁਗਾ , ਓਹਿਯੋ  ਵੇਲਾ  ਆਊਗੀ

Poem in Punglish 

(i.e. Punjabi written in English)

mainnu baahar bhej, teinnu chadd diyaaga

je aethe rakhia te vadd diyaanga

bakwaas kitti te bhann ke rakh diyaanga

aukha hoya te tote tote kar diyaanga

jhoote dilaase den naal kujh ni hona

vanga chidkaun naal mee ni varna

putt sheraan de tere jiho naal ni darde

ooche baadshah te saade dil vich ne vasde

jhund nahi, appa te kalle shikaar karde ne

mode te dunaali, haththe kataar rakhde ne

kabje te assi kai kitte ne, tu ki cheez hai

chadhak jutti mar jau, ehiyo teri aukaat hai

jadon lalkaare vajjange, taaiyo tainnu akal aaugi

maut nu maasi aakhuga, ohiyo vela aaugi

(sunrise in Punjab)

Note - Recite this poem to your manager / boss at your own risk.