The dead end for Bhramcharya, now its..

"Karmanye Vadhikaraste, ma phaleshu kada chana." - Bhagwat Gita

Photo by Arjun Suri Photography

Growing up in an Arya Samaji family and studying in a DAV School, I was firmly into Vedic material. Once I read about the 4 ashrams - Bhramcharya, Grihasta, Vanprastha, and Sanyasa; that were more or less to be followed for 25 years each. So I made up my mind to be a Bhramchari till 25, and I was convinced that I'd be honest about it, that is not thinking about getting married at all. So I never fantasized about the kind of stuff that my friends did at that age. And thus, quite naturally, I never got into a physical or emotional relationship with a girl. I did not see the sense to have fun with a girl only to leave her later saying I wasn't ready for marriage, it would not have been right to do that. I would not even talk about matters related to my own marriage anywhere, when prompted I would feign ignorance on the subject.

When I turned 25, my initial reaction was of immense joy, for completing the time period for Bhramcharya and obeying it appropriately. Girish Khosla uncle, who heads Arya Pratinidhi Sabha in USA, called to wish on my Birthday and I told him that I was no longer a Bhramchari (he is a devoted Vanprasthi working actively for Arya Samaj). He teased me saying now my age was to enter Grihasta.

Few days later I told myself - no, I should not do this. Professionally there was still some distance to travel in my career, and I did not have enough understanding of relationships; that is what works out plus what doesn't. I had very less knowledge of how a girl's thinking is different from a guy's, due to reason told in preceding paragraphs. And there was one major aspect I did not know what to do about.

“One should performed karma for the benefit of humanity 

with an unbiased approach because bias gives birth to evil, 

which creates thousands of obstacles in our path. ” 

The Rig Veda 

Since I was not too sure about such stuff, how could I say 'yes' or 'no' to a girl?

Well aware of the reach of my network, it was obvious that I'd be referred by someone or the other. If I merely saw my own image in that girl and said 'yes' to her, then afterwards her life would be ruined when differences would start cropping up. If things didn't work out, then I'd say 'no' and by doing so, wouldn't I be doing a major disservice to her? I mean, she's someone leading a life of her own, struggling everyday to make a unique identity of her own, thinking about serving her parents in the best possible manner despite knowing she would have to leave them some day, and maintaining a happy face amid the mental and physical problems she must be undergoing. What right did I have to enter her life just so that one day I would end up hurting her? I had no answers on that.

I thought of something. I started writing anti-marriage stuff on social networking sites and also discussing it with people around me. So that they wouldn't refer anyone to me assuming I was out of all this. I started convincing myself on the same, so that I meant what I was saying. The effect was visible for thankfully what I was fearing didn't happen. But it was beginning to have a toll on me, because my mind was having negative thoughts about what I was witnessing everyday. I got convinced to such an extent that there was no one on this planet whom I admired when I looked from a certain perspective. I would not even talk about my views on any girl anywhere. I really wished that all my female colleagues got married, thereafter lived a happy life, and I would do whatever best I could do for them, as a payback to what I felt was right. I would reach out to selected girls during appropriate times because I had respect for their qualities as a human and my intentions were pristine.

But ultimately, what one runs away from, that does catch up one day.  Not too long back I asked myself, till when would I keep on running away from it all? Beyond a point it would end up hurting much more than benefiting, so instead of stopping then, why not stop this now itself?

And then it did happen. I had to take a call on whether to stand up or not. Initially I chose to delay that, thinking I was not ready yet, giving appropriate justification for my actions. I got myself hurt because I did not wish to do something averse to anyone. I needed some more time for myself.

And then I thought, opportunity knocks only once. I had to grab it with both hands, and followed a certain voice. Because of that voice..

“Sometimes people are beautiful.

Not in looks.

Not in what they say.

Just in what they are.” 

― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger

I started thinking about the girl's happiness, that is how would things be if I and she became we.

• Would she get along with my mother?
• Would my financial condition suit her needs?
• Would she get adjusted with my relatives and the people we meet often?
• Would her existing family members feel they made the right decision by matching her with me?
• Would she feel warmth in the presence of my father, the way she feels in her biological father?
• If career is vital for her then would it get better if she arrives over here?
• And very importantly, is there an assurance that she would not find some place better for her requirements if I end up saying 'no'?

My own need for her comes last. Greater priority is for the long term happiness of that girl.

In every marriage there is always a compromise among concerned individuals. Something has to be given in, and something gets taken out. Ultimately it is less about caring for oneself, and more about caring for others. Saying 'no' to a girl can actually be the biggest care for her, if deep down one feels it'd be the best decision for her, irregardless of what one feels about her at that specific moment. A 'yes' requires several of aspects to be considered in the affirmative, it is better not to commit if any crucial aspect does not work out. But this doesn't mean one starts finding out the minutest of faults in every aspect, because as we all know ideals do not exist.

Those who understand would relate to the following lines - True Friendship means being there for each other for life, irrespective of where life takes them. It means to stand firmly in the toughest of times. It means a gift from the one above that justifies being born on earth. It means taking hard decisions for oneself if it benefits someone else. It means giving your best and leaving the rest to almighty.

Truth be told we guys are what we are because of girls. They bring happiness in our lives, like the warmth provided by a mother, the care of a sister, adulation from a true friend who considers you a gift, and real support from the one who makes you her world. Any guy unsure of his own existence must look at himself from the eyes of a girl, he would realize how beautiful the world is, which he was probably unaware of.

"Almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure--these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs 

There comes a stage when one realizes that marriage is a phase of life, problems do not end, what starts is the confidence to follow one's dreams. Steve Jobs was down and out when he got married, post that he started getting his due. Bill Gates was a bonafide geek till he got married, later on he started pursuing his actual interests. They must have had their own share of heartbreaks, but as they matured they realized what worked for them, they learnt from their experiences. The world is a better place because of them, and it wouldn't have been so if they didn't have their respective soul partners in their lives.

I firmly believe that with this approach of mine, I am not going to hurt anyone, rather it would actually do good, I would be thinking about what is it that makes someone happy thus sending out positive vibrations. I would be thinking about the fact that two beautiful humans make the best relation if they are compatible with each other. I would be diligently following an unwritten rule that certain stuff has to be kept as true as possible. I would be thinking about the fact that there are a lot of ways to make a relation really pretty. I cannot say what destiny holds, I do know that something tells me to do this. And it's the best action I've taken in quite some time.

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something." - Steve Jobs