Wacky Ways of Irritating Australians on the Cricket Field

Australia is the best team in the world when it comes to bashing - given an opportunity everyone (barring their native people) likes to bash them for all sorts of reasons. It gives immense pleasure to those who aren't able to match up to their admirable cricketing skills. On the field the opposing team never says a word to them as they fear it'll ignite the daemons inside their 6'6'' tall cricketers and they'll butcher them like helpless innocent animals.

As of late, Indians, who are considered to be among the most peaceful and cool-minded in the world (no arguments please), seem to be taking a lot of pride challenging the Australians and testing their temperament. S Sreesanth and Harbhajan Singh have acted as trendsetters for people belonging to other parts of the world by showing that now they also can "bully" the mighty Aussies (Gandhigiri anyone?).

The Australians are extremely hot blooded, and can be easily irritated. Here is a list of ways to how you can also achieve the same when playing a match against them.

1. If you belong to the Indian Subcontinent and are bowling, start shouting sentences to the keeper having the words "mann ki"(means 'of mind' in Hindi/Urdu). If any of the Australians get angry thinking that you are making references to the case that Symonds lost against Harbhajan, tell them that you are speaking in your native language which in no way happens to be racist/offensive.


2. Walk up to any of their players, point towards Symonds, and ask "Shall I call him a Monkey?" Crackers will start bursting inside the player's mind even before you finish the question and he is bound to let off some of the effects of the fireworks on you also, but in that case just smile and say that you've simply asked a question and haven't called him a Monkey.

If you want to try something extreme, tell Symonds that he is like a Monkey. Then, before he gives you a punch, tell him that you haven't said that he is a Monkey, you've simply said that he is like a Monkey (pretty dire, but will definitely revolve his head).*


3. If you are a member of the crowd, dress up in Indian attire and wear masks of Harbhajan Singh or S Sreesanth. Then whenever an australian batsman gets out, get into the stadium and start dancing so as to taunt them. If you are dressed like S Sreesanth then perform break dance(a la Michael Jackson) and if dressed like Harbhajan Singh then do Bhangra(just lift your hands in air in quick succession).




4. Whenever you get a chance, remind the Aussies of their defeats. When playing, walk up to a player and tell him about how Australia lost the 2005 Ashes, how Australia lost the 2007 VB Series 3-0, how Australia lost three matches in the inaugural Twenty20 World Cup, how they created hoopla before the Perth Test against India in 2008 which they ultimately lost, etc. (any one will do, you need not narrate all of them). This will anger the Australian like anything and he'll start narrating about the greatness of the Australian team and their other magnificent wins. The expressions of anger on his face will be priceless - he'll go on blabbering without even noticing that you aren't listening to him.


5. The problem that batsmen often face when playing against Australia is that the ball just doesn't come on the face of the bat, because of which most of the players get out Bowled, LBW, or caught behind when attempting to hit a wide ball. In order to make sure that the ball strikes the wooden leather every time, put stickers of Harbhajan Singh or S Sreesanth on the lower portion of your bat. The bowlers will make sure that each and every ball of them hit that part of the bat, so that they can fulfill their satisfaction of walloping them, but actually that will give easy hits to the batsman.


6. When batting against them, whenever one of their players make an appeal that is turned down by the Umpire, go and tell the bowler "Why are you appealing? He isn't Steve Bucknor!"




So, as a message to all those who are competing against Australia, remember that they aren't invincible. They might be a fantastic team, but can be easily defeated by making use of funky tactics and zingy management.


* - No racial stuff intended, please excuse. We Indians aren't racists, the biggest democracy in the world respects all races and religions.

(Note- The above post is written without intention of hurting anyone. I have equal respect for everyone and nothing is meant to be taken seriously).

Why (K)Ekta Kapoor must be appreciated

I haven't come across an Indian household which is an exception to the fact that half of the members are devout followers of the K-Soaps churned out by Balaji Telefilms and the other half devout critics of the very same K-Soaps churned out by Balaji Telefilms.

This article of mine is not about criticizing Ekta Aunty Ke Fundey(as mentioned in the title), it is about glorifying the less-talked facets of The Queen of Indian Television(ahem!). As they say, Love her or Hate her, you just can't ignore her. I am not going to ignore her(otherwise I won't be able to continue with the article). I am not going to love her, neither am I going to hate her. I am just going to put forward a few Krazy(!) facts abut Ekta Aunty which you might not have observed and for which she must be applauded.

Here we go!

1. Take into account the employment that she has generated. Right now she might be having some 25-odd serials running on air. For each of these 25 serials she needs a lot of people - cameramen to capture the same scene from 6 different angles, video editors to repeat each scene thrice, sound mixers to add effects every time the camera hovers nonchalantly(and to add songs from Tusshar Kapoor's movies whenever possible), make-up men to make a 20 year old actress look like a 80 year old grandmother(after three 20-year jumps), two female artists essaying villainous roles, one female artist essaying the girl-next-door role, one male artist who essays a negative role for the first two seasons and positive role for the next two seasons(after which he is killed), and dozens of never-before-seen faces so as to add a "fresh look" to the serial every time the TRP's are dipping.

2. The sales of Saree's and Gold Jewelry have spurged tremendously. You may often find your neighbour's mother talking things like "Look at my Bindi, it was worn by Ramola Sikand when she killed Shaina", "This Necklace was worn by Tulsi when Mihir was brought back", etc.. Work for the designers of Sarees and Jewelery has certainly become easier, as they needn't think of path-breaking ideas in order to boost their sales. All they need to do is to follow Ekta Aunty's funday's regularly so that when a particular lady demands a particular set(mostly an expensive one) worn by a particular Vamp or a specific costume(mostly a heavy one) worn by a specific daughter-in-law, they'll have it in their store.

3. Discrimination on the basis of gender has decreased. If you read our ancient texts, you'll find out that our women were depicted as the ones with good character, values, etc.. In more than 99.99% of the cases the demons and destructors happened to be men. It was depicted as if women worked towards the betterment of society, whereas men did the reverse(I don't need to cite an example, there are hoards of them). Which isn't true, as we all know how girls actually are(I better put on my helmet, I am going to receive a lot of sandals soon). Our Ekta Aunty has worked in favour of us humiliated guys, as if you watch any of her serial you'll find out that women destroy families, take revenges from their own in-laws, are the root of all evil, etc., which is actually true(I may have to go underground for writing this, my female colleagues aren't going to spare me).

4. Work has become easier for the Indian News Channels. Now instead of presenting news in the mould of high standards set by CNN and BBC, all of them show the same news at the same time, and whenever an important event occurs they discard the old news item and keep on showing the same piece on and on for days. Even so, when advertisement comes on one channel, it comes on the other channels as well.

5. Astrologers and Numerologists. They can never remove the burden of success that they owe to our dear Aunty. Because of her, their business has increased, with even small kids saying "Mummy Mummy I want to become an Astrologer when I grow up!". Astrologers have started offering courses like "How to make use of the letter K" and "How to insert vowels without sounding silly"(they do sound silly, and we all know that). If this continues, parents might give their children names like Aashha, Eiesha, Mookeish, and Kkkkiran(Shah Rukh Khan would have loved this name!).

6. Unity. Despite the religion, caste, creed, whatever but not the gender, people of all age groups unite when the topic of discussion is Ekta Aunty. The males will go on bashing our dear Aunty, whereas the ladies will go on raving about how the new daughter-in-law in a particular serial is or how good was her mother-in-law's Kanjeevaram Saree(a few so called high class ladies, who feel that Aunty's fundey are too middle class, won't indulge in the discussion).

After reading the above, you must have realised how grossly underestimated is the lady with the K. We must unite and hail her tremendous efforts. She has done so much for all of us, we must give her something as a token of appreciation.

So, come on, shout with me "EKTA AUNTY, OOOOOOOOOOOOOO, JAI MATA DI LET'S ROCK!"(Oops, I guess this is what happens when all the Music Channels show the same Himesh Reshammiya's songs all the time, perhaps inspired by Ekta Aunty's fundey).

The Champion of Lost and Found

Every good male homo sapien considers his mother to be the best mother in the world(and also the best cook) and his wife as the best wife(he has to, for obvious reasons). If he doesn't have a wife and is living with a room mate, he has to consider his room mate as the best.

Presently I am living with a room mate, who is affectionately called "Champ" by all of us. He has a multi-faced personality laced with exceptionally electrifying dimensions. He has played a big role in bringing a lot of foreign students to our college.

If I go on raving about him, then this post of mine will invite several controversies, hence I will stop here.

One fine Saturday, he came to our room after doing some important administration work in college (he is an important personality in our college). He got fresh, and was about to call someone when he got a shock as if he was struck by lightning.

He realised that his cell phone was missing!

He took immediate action by searching for it in the room. He looked in his almirah, wash room, table, bag, etc. but in vein. He called his cell phone from my cell, but as his cell was on vibration mode he couldn't hear anything. I also searched my belongings, knowing that the result will be fruitless but with the hope that probability of anything is never zero.

As the room search returned zero results, he decided to go back to the college office from where he had just returned. As the office was closed, he got the keys from the appropriate person so as to continue with the Treasure Hunt. Again, the result was nil. He came back to the room, and started recollecting the places he had visited. He remembered that he had visited his department, and his cell phone might have been left there. We got the phone number of the Head of Department, called him up and requested for help. But he wasn't able to help us, as the department was closed, and wouldn't be opened till Monday morning.

In between we made several calls to his cell. Ring was going, but no one was picking it up. Had it been stolen, the thief would have removed the sim from the cell, and so we came to the conclusion that the cell wasn't stolen.

But then, where was the cell phone, where could it be?

Saturday went, Sunday came, Sunday went, Monday came. The department search didn't bore any new result. It was deemed that the cell was lost. But how could it be lost, we were clueless. Champ isn't that careless. Or so we thought.

Monday went, Tuesday came. Tuesday was about to go when Champ went to the wash room, saw his trousers hanging on the hook, wore them, and viola, the cell was in one of its pockets.

"YOU ARE HOPELESS!" "OH MY GOD, HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?!?!" "PATHETIC!" "NO COMMENTS!" These were the words that instantaneously came out for Champ from his friends, me included.

Conclusions -
1. The probability of anything is never zero. In such situations always look for things at the place where you least expect them to be.
2. Make sure that if your friend does such a thing then he should give a huge treat to you so that he won't repeat such incidents in future.
3. This is what is called as "Moronically Memorable".
4. Champ should continue doing such things, I am getting posts for my blog!

The Advantages of Being Single

Being single is one of god's greatest gifts to humankind which ironically happens to be something that a lot of people(almost everyone) want to get rid of.

For all those people who are planning to jump the bandwagon, here is a list of positive reasons to why one need not be engaged in order to lead a blissful life.

1. (a)You turn on the radio and notice that a romantic song is being played. If your love life happened to be blossoming, then you'd stop all your work, sit down and tried to feel that song so that you'll get a divine feeling. You'll try to relate that song's lyrics with your love story and while listening may blush, get lost in another world, smile as if you'd never smiled so much, etc..

(b)If you had troubles in your relationship, then you'll listen to all sorts of sad songs by the likes of Atif Aslam and Himesh Reshammiya and will feel eased by relating yourself with their sad verses.

If you were of the type (a), you won't like the songs that (b) liked and vice-versa. But if you were single, it wouldn't matter much to you what kind of song were you listening to, you'll enjoy a sad song having catchy rhythm as well as a banal romantic song.

2. Just count the amount of money that you'll save. You won't have to go to a multi-cuisine resturant everyday, buy flowers that will lose fragrance in a few days, spend money on things like jewellery and video games that you may consider useless, etc.. All your money will be with you only, and you can do whatever you want to do with it.

3. Your relation with your parents will be affected in a positive way(unless you are a couch potato who spends his entire time at home doing things considered useless by everyone but you) as you'll spend more time with them. We have seen how relations take a drastic turn after someone's daughter runs away from home or someone starts paying more attention to his wife than mother. These things won't happen if you were single.

4. A tension-free life will become a part of your persona. It's a universal fact that married people have more tensions than singles, so this point doesn't warrent any further explanation.

5. As you won't have to devote special time to your someone special, you'll utilize that time in doing productive things. Hence your performance will be affected in a positive way and you'll make a lot of progress, personally as well as professionally.

6. Most important of them all, Freedom. You can do anything you want, there is no restriction from whomsoever. You do not have to change yourself in order to please someone, you can take the decisions you like, etc..

There are so many good things in life, and bachelorhood itself is a boon. So why not make the full use of it?


Please note that I haven't criticised those who are committed or married. Once I myself get involved in a relationship I may write another post entitled "The Disadvantages of Being Single"....

Let's Enjoy(?)

One of the first notions that comes to a person's mind after coming to college (and especially when its away from home) is to enjoy life.

Generally speaking, enjoying life means being happy, to have fun, to feel cool, and to try out a lot of things that couldn't be possible at home.

I won't talk about the first three as I myself believe in them, but its the fourth one that I don't completely abide with.

The point that I am raising is, why are you doing something for which you feel regretful telling others about it? You might be taking pride in doing something in front of your friends, but in front of your parents you might be behaving like a, well I guess you got the point.

You may say that life is short, and so you should try to make the maximum out of it. But can you have everything in life? You can never have, and should be thankful about it.

Its common that you are doing something and you feel that what you are doing isn't right but you want to enjoy life. Is enjoyment getting a regretful feeling? Even if you don't do one particular thing it won't change the fact that you can't do millions of things in this world. Isn't it wise enough not to do that one regretful thing when there are many other things that you can't do? Living a honourable life gives a feeling of peace and compassion, and everyone isn't able to possess it.

Back in school, from 10th till Plus Two, I did some things for which I have a lot of regrets. They were mainly related to my thinking which has changed a lot now, but still I curse myself that I thought of such things. Back then I was happy that I had such a thought process without realising how wrong I was.

It might be long ago, but I haven't and will never forgive myself for that.

When I was in second year of engineering I started becoming serious towards life as I realised my actions are taking toll on others instead of me. I used to spend a lot of time recollecting things I had done in the past and as a result I started hating myself. I used to get upset thinking that hadn't I been like that these things wouldn't have happened to them. I made up my mind not to do things for which I will have regrets later on in the future. I still follow this, and think multiple times before making a decision. Its not that I don't take incorrect steps, but whenever I take such a step I feel bad, ponder over it and think how could I have made the correct decision.

If I feel that there is something wrong in me and I have to correct it, then I do that. In 2nd year B.E. I realised a lot of shortcomings in me which had developed as a result of cumulative negligience of my actions over the years. I was afraid that it would be difficult to correct them, as the procedure was long and time-taking. And I needed a lot of patience for that. A start had to be made, and I was reluctant to do that. But I made the start immediately as there was no use delaying because ultimately there was going to be a start. Though apprehensive regarding if it will work or not, I slowly and steadily continued the process.

What motivates me behind my actions isn't me, its others. I always feel that if I am not serious then my actions will have a negative impact on others, and it actually happens. When I blame others for their wrong-doings I am always able to relate that incident to something that I did, and then I try to make sure that I correct myself and don't repeat such an incident in the future.

You might be wondering why I am saying all this. Well, my actions take toll on others, and similar case might be with you also. Unknowingly you might be affecting someone's life.

Boy-caught

I don't think guys will laugh much on this incident, anyways, here goes.

Few years ago, one fine day(these days it seems that all days are fine when you are at home), I was talking to my neighbours, both girls, one senior to me and the other junior. We were discussing about our schools, and after sometime touched the topic of our respective maths teachers.

We started discussing the similarities between them. Their teacher, a male, was the vice-principal of the school. My teacher, a female, was also the vice-principal of the school. She used to give preference to students who used to take tutions from her, and same was the case with their teacher. Also, he literally used to harass students not taking tutions from him, and similar case was with my teacher also. Both used to refer a particular book extensively and were the most discussed teacher among their fellow students.

Then the girl who was junior to me told the other girl that sir's wife has a boycut. Hearing this, I said that my teacher's husband also has a boycut.

Cricket - Its just a game

At the time of writing, people across India are furious over their performance in the cricket world cup(they lost to Bangladesh and Sri Lanka). What was touted as a campaign that will end with Indian team returning with the gold seems as if now they fear returning to India. After all, when you have people who throw stones at your homes, who won't be scared?
I was wondering...
--> There are many corrupt people in India, and their incidences don't get publicised. Even when TV Programmes like Sansani(Star News) shows beurocrats taking bribe, how many of us go outside their homes and protest?
--> We ourselves are responsible for giving Cricket so much importance. In shooting, India has performed better than Cricket but how many of us actually pay attention to that sport? Their aren't academies to improve shooting skills of aspiring shooters and most of us won't buy a product if it hasn't been endorsed by a Cricketer or a movie actor/actress.
--> Are cricketers better than the people who come to our home to wash our dishes or clean the house? You must be baffled seeing the comparison, but the thing is, both are simply doing their job, as they dutifully have to do what has been assigned to them. Who knows, some of our domestic helpers were really good at cricket some time ago, but due to financial constraints couldn't make it big.
--> Are we really as expert in our fields as them? Ok, our team might not have won, but atleast they reached this stage. Can we claim ourselves to be the best in what we are doing? We ourselves know that there are people doing a better job than us and at times are hurt by comparisons. So why are we comparing others?
--> The time that is spent in watching a cricket match can be put for other activities also, and we all know that. Watching TV is one of the easiest things to do, and we can switch channels any time.
--> Finally, cricket is just a sport. There has to be a winner as well as a loser. According to my ideology a real sportsperson plays for more for enjoyment than winning. If you enjoyed whatever you were doing, then you won. I can't go on the field and practice foul play simply for winning the match.
I will be watching India's next match. Old habits die hard, I guess. Or,like many others patriotic supporters, I am still optimistic that one day India will be at the top, .