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| Photo by Arjun Suri Photography |
Fellow acquaintances, colleagues, relatives, brothers and their sisters,
I need you, yes YOU, to help me out.
For what? To start spreading stories about me.
What stories? Stories on the following lines.
1. This guy called Yaju Arya is an angel on earth.
2. Yaju Arya is the ideal role model for today's kids.
3. The most honest, genuine, and kind fellow alive.
4. He makes use of divine intervention and can connect with the one above.
5. Can provide solution to ANY problem of whatever nature.
6. To make the Earth a better place we should support him.
7. Anyone who disagrees with him is a bad human, who will never get 'success in life'.
For doing this I won't offer any money / gifts in return, but would make you stakeholders in my "NGO". That is you'd make money whenever I'd hit the jackpot. This way the number of 'positive' stories spread by you would be directly proportional to YOU raking in the moolah.
The effect of these stories would be that it'd arise curiosity among new sects of people. When I'd tour some city/village, they'd be aware of my arrival and hence they'd come to see me live, to witness the 'divine being' whose stories they had been hearing for long.
In order to make them appear 'real', we'd hold 'camps', where I'd preach 'spiritual stuff' and spend few minutes offering 'solutions' to people's 'problems'. It'd easy uttering spiritual stuff - I'd simply take works of Jiddu Krishnamurti / Swami Vivekanand / Lord Buddha / Bhagwat Geeta , put across in contemporary language, and present them as my own.
As for solving 'problems', I'd tell something random based on sixth sense in a way that it'd induce faith in their minds.
It is natural that there'd be people who'd donate money. So even if 1000 people come to attend one such camp, and we collect Rs. 100 from each of them, we'd earn Rs. 1 Lakh from one event. Holding 4 such events every week throughout the year, we'd earn more than 2 Crore Rupees. Even if you have 1% stake, you'd end up earning 20 Lakh rupess in a year. Much faster than your present job. Also better.
I'd manage my Social Media presence myself and also do my own PR. I'd make sure that my Facebook page will have a lot of 'likes' and there would a mobile app for Android (why only Android, you'll know the reason soon, keep reading this article).
Also, I am confident of my presentation abilities. No, not because I consider myself to be awesome, but because I know that most people are afraid of discovering life, they simply want to take the shortcut to 'success' (which inevitably means easy money). Along with Real Estate, this is the other profession in India which hasn't witnessed decline since Emergency imposed by Indira Gandhi. It helps that major chunk of India's growing population is in need of earning quick money, thanks to factors such as inflation and depleting water level.
As is a norm set by people in my 'profession', I'd contemplate change of name, by which I'd be called. I've zeroed in on Sakht Aryaveer Androidanand (translates to Hard Brave Noble Person who gets joy out of Android).
To get started, here are 'solutions' to few heart-wrenching 'problems' (In Software terminology this is called Demo version. You, the reader, can do beta-testing and provide response).
Problem - Androidanand ji, I am not able to sleep early, always do that around 2 AM and hence wake up late. What to do?
Solution - My dear child, the problem is that you are living in India. Consider relocation to a place like Rwanda where time zone is 3.5 hours behind. Then you'd automatically sleep around 10:30 PM.
Problem - Oh Androidanand, this particular boy in my class, never looks at me. What should I do?
Solution - My dear fairy, the problem lies in your dress. Get yourself a crew cut, wear silver-coloured hair band, a necklace made of brass chain with lock, faded Purple T-Shirt of size 50 inches (if you don't find it anywhere then we'll make it for you, at very 'nominal' rates), Pink colour Patiala Salwar, and Florescent Green bedroom slippers. I assure you that you'd get second, third, fourth... googol look-backs by that particular boy, as well as his dad, grand dad, and a heavenly one from his great great grand dad.
Problem - Yo Androidanand! My Internet is too slow! What should I do?
Solution - My dear chic kid, the problem is that you want to access Internet. Why do you want to do that? Because it makes you happy. Why do you want to be happy? Because you are not currently happy. Happiness is a state of mind, some have it, many don't. And when you are not happy, you try to find solace in things like the Internet, end result of which is that you become addicted. You spend money on buying devices, Internet plans, etc. which otherwise could have been donated to my NGO and in effect we'd have helped needful kids. To start with getting rid of this addiction, sell off your device and whatever money you'd have invested in Internet plans in the next 12 months, donate that to 'us', this'd ensure that you'd stay off this evil till that time.
I sincerely hope that the above sample was enough to convince you of my 'selling' abilities.
So what are you waiting for? Go forward with elan and spread the word!
Hard & Noble Regards,
Sakht Aryaveer Androidanand.
(Disclaimer - My dear reader, the above article is a work of fiction. Any sane resemblance to someone living or dead would be nothing short of a miracle.)
